While Mario isn’t actually “dying” on that day, let’s not pretend that we haven’t seen Mario die countless times before. From running into that first Goomba to falling off a cliff in Super Mario Odyssey, Mario games are practically defined by the ways that we have contributed to the character’s death over the years. Estimates suggest that Mario has likely died billions of times across the various games when you account for the actions of everyone who has played them. Of course, when it comes to Mario’s deaths, it’s really about the quality and not the quantity. While I wouldn’t wish most of the ways that Mario dies on anyone, there are some deaths that stand out over the years as being particularly brutal.
Getting Hit So Hard With a Barrel That He Does a Flip
Donkey Kong may not have featured the parade of hazards seen in future Super Mario games, but Mario’s debut does include a clear candidate for the plumber’s most painful deaths. I’m of course talking about the all-too-common sight of watching Mario get hit by one of Donkey Kong’s barrels so hard that he does several flips and then dies.
Being Eaten by a Cheep Chomp
While many early Mario enemies were able to defeat the hero seemingly by touching him, the Cheep Chomp went a step further by simply engulfing Mario if the player got too close to them. The comparatively explicit violence of that moment helps it stand out, but what really puts this one over the top is the size and shape of the Cheep Chomp’s teeth. Unlike the Pirahana Plant’s sharp teeth which were clearly designed for efficient enemy eating, the Cheep Chomp’s blunt bucktooth would likely take a little more time to finish Mario off.
Swimming in Super Mario Sunshine’s Graffiti
Many early Mario deaths were quick, but by the time that Mario got a health bar, Nintendo’s cruelest designers and artists really took the time to let us watch his deaths slowly play out. One of the best examples of that painful period has to be the graffiti in Super Mario Sunshine. That stuff can kill Mario in a variety of ways, and if you wander into a huge patch of it, you’ll have to watch as Mario struggles to escape whatever it is that the goop is doing to him. I imagine it functions similarly to the creature in The Blob remake which eats and disintegrates its victims but hey, that’s just me.
Falling Into an Infinite Void
Mario does straight-up fall to his death in later games, but the early Super Mario titles will always be remembered for the times that he falls into what seems to be an infinite void.
Being Hit by Whatever Those Spinning Fire Bars Are
The logistics of the rotating fire bars seen throughout the Super Mario series (though they were initially created for the Legend of Zelda franchise) remain frustratingly unexplained. What is producing the flames? How do they stay in place? WHO PUT THEM EVERYWHERE?!?!? One thing we can safely assume is that getting hit by one of these fire bars probably hurts. They seem to combine with the thrill of being hit with a large spinning object with the fun of being set on fire. Just imagine what one of these things would look like in real life and the terror you’d feel staring at a room full of them.
Being Flattened in Super Mario 64
Objects have always threatened to crush Mario, but Mario 64 upped the ante a bit by suggesting that some of these objects can actually hit Mario so hard that they completely flatten him. It’s one of those bits of cartoon violence that becomes much more horrifying when you apply it to real life. Maybe you’d be lucky enough to have the object flatten you in an instant, but the game implies that Mario may actually survive the initial impact and linger on with the knowledge of what it’s like for every part of you to be squished but not the ability to convey that pain to anyone and relieve himself of the madness of that knowledge.
Anything Involving Those Spikes
Spikes are hardly the sole property of the Super Mario franchise, but there is something about the way the Mario games utilize them that fills you with dread whenever you enter a room filled with them. Maybe it’s the knowledge that even a single mistake could send Mario into the spikes and force him to endure a truly terrible death.
Getting Falcon Punched to Death
Despite his fondness for jumping and the consequences that can have for Goombas everywhere, Mario doesn’t strike us as a fighter by nature. He certainly feels physically underqualified to properly defend himself against some of the heaviest hitters of the Nintendo universe. Just imagine how confused Mario must have been when he found himself face-to-face with renowned humanoid bounty hunter Captain Falcon only for Falcon to straight-up punch him in the face with such force that Mario is sent flying into that good old void before being greeted by the sweet release of an explosive finale.
Being Run Over by a Shell
Considering that Mario is almost comically fragile most of the time, you’d think he would know better than to start kicking shells around and bouncing them off walls at high speeds. Then again, he is searching for those sweet coins, and you don’t get paid if you don’t put the work in. Even still, the pain of being hit by one of these shells must be tremendous. They’re not as big as a car or truck, but the fact that the impact of them is enough to kill a man means that they must be traveling at speeds high enough to convert them into a lethal weapon.
Getting Bullied by the Sun
I don’t know why Mario has as many enemies as he seems to have (he seems like a nice guy) but I’ve really never understood why a giant, angry sun tries to kill Mario in Super Mario Bros. 3.
